Author: hopeinreallife

Thank you for joining us for this series. Half of the parents I know would not undergo something like this. You should be proud of yourself. It also tells us that you are not doing as bad as you think you are.

Your kids need other influences. This will require humility and vulnerability on your part. Vulnerability will allow you to move surface-level connections to deeper connections. And this is so important at earlier ages that we think because we don’t live in the 90s or 00’s any more. The ‘school bus’ is the new ‘basement’. Even if our kids don’t have phones yet or are very limited, their friends have unlimited access to everything.

That’s why we want to widen the Circle of influence. You are not the only influence your kids need. And you may not feel like the biggest influence in their lives. Is it:

o   Their friends?

o   Youtubers?

o   Tik-Tok theology / philosophy?

o   Teachers? 

From what you do know about the influences in their life, where will they be in 4 years? Is that okay with you?

Now, what if we moved from being reactive to what is happening in their lives to being proactive? What if we sought out people to place around them in an attempt to set them up for success? 

Here are just some people you can surround them with:

o   Coaches

o   Family friends

o   Small Group Leaders

o   Maybe for you, it’s your local church staff 

When I think back to my late elementary years through my high school years, I had consistent people around me who were not just friends my own age. There were 

o   Family friends

o   Adults at church who knew my name + my family

All of this means we can’t coast along. We need to be INTENTIONAL and PROACTIVE about who we surround our kids with. Passivity in our parenting will not do our kids any good. It could actually do them harm. 

So here’s a challenge as we end today. Invite the outside influences to attend your kids’ events together.

Welcome back to Keeping Your Influence through the Teenage Years. We’ve moved past the phases and now we’re going to talk about how to maximize your influence.

No one has more potential to influence your child than you. But notice that word POTENTIAL! You have to work at it! One of the best stories I have heard about someone was about Koby Bryant. When he was on the USA Basketball Redeem Team at the Olympics, the entire team would be out at night partying. But he would stay in, wake up early, and practice. He had a natural gift, but he still worked hard and developed that gift.

Ayren Nelson is on staff here at Hope, and he is an amazing speaker—but you know what he does? Work at it.

So my question for you is, are you working to develop yourself and your own influence? Where are you getting mentally, emotionally, physically, or even spiritually fed? There are a lot of books about influence and leadership out there that all say different things, but one thing they seem to all agree on, is that you can’t pour into others from an empty cup. So where are you going to fill your cup?

Now that we’ve addressed the personal-side of influence, let’s talk about your kids and how you can maximize your influence in their lives.

Number one is key, and it seems simple: Spend time together. This is a non-negotiable. I say it’s simple because I think we would all say it’s important. But does that belief actually align with how we live our lives? Where does your time go? Do you take the time to slow down, prioritize those relationships over accomplishments, to create family rythms and routines?

One of the things I am most looking forward to as my kids grow up is creating Moments in their lives. We really don’t have many rites of passage into adulthood in our culture, and it’s led to this suspended adolescence. But one thing I plan to do is to make meaningful moments with my kids—that we can do together.

When kids turn 11, we take a trip to Houston to see where I grew up and places that are significant to me. At the receiving of the license, fly to NYC for 2 nights, then drive back together. During the first year of college, go on a weekend backpacking trip in Western North Carolina.

Second, a great way to maximize your own influence would be to commit to learning. There are a ton of resources about the teenage brain and development. Download some of the apps they use and play around with them for a few days, exploring what you can do on them. Search the internet for great parenting hacks. There are a ton of ways that we as parents can continue to learn and grow, and my encouragement to you is to simply start somewhere. 

The last way you can maximize your own influence as a family is to be united and move together in the same direction. What I mean by this is establish those qualities you want your kids to possess as they are graduating high school. What kind of man or woman, in your dream-world-scenario, are they?

Once you’ve done that, repeat them. Encourage them when you see these qualities. Use our post-game-reviews as a way to talk about how they may have gone away from these qualities. Some practical questions to ask ourselves with our kids is:

• You know what kind of person you want them to become. How does that look as they enter into the social media world?

• How does that look as they’re in 8^th grade and distancing themselves from you?

• How does that play out as they’re in 6^th grade and experiencing some stuff that seems WAYYYYY out of their league?

• How does that play into their freedom and independence with driving?

These are all things to consider as you aim to move forward in one direction as a family. 

And these years focus all around the idea of purpose. Here, you are an affirmer of who they are and a refiner, guiding them towards who they need to be. 

Affirm who they are, your values as a family. If you don’t lead your family with vision and a 30,000-ft view of what you all stand for, then that is going to die with you.

We also can refine their skills and interpersonal skills, and help our kids join those together with their passions.

One of the big questions I have gotten consistently over the years from high school students is “How do I know what I am supposed to do with my life?” It’s a great, big, intimidating existential question… but it doesn’t need to necessarily stress us out.

As parents, we can help them realize the gifting and talents they have. We can help them verbalize the passions they have. And we can help acknowledge how they’re wired (their personality)… and then we can guide them to combine all three of those.

Where their personality, their talents, and their passions collide is where they should be looking to make an impact.

Some of the questions they’re asking in this phase are:  

• Where do I belong? 
• Why can’t I? 
• How can I matter? 
• What will I do? 

And here is the kicker—THEY NEED TO SERVE. In a phase all about purpose and figuring out what they want to do, they need to go out and do it! You don’t develop your skills on the football field watching a game on the couch. You don’t learn to manage people really well by JUST diving into a book. You get some experience early on.

Data collected from more than 5 million children and teens from all backgrounds and situations consistently revealed that “Family Support” (you as parents in your changing roles) and “Service to Others” [one hour a week or more] directly correlate to success in life.