Author: hopeinreallife

Fun fact, remember how earlier I said your brain goes through the scientific method twice? Well the second time it happens is during puberty in the middle school years. Again, they have observed the world for years and have formed hypotheses. Now they’re testing those hypotheses and will be forming new conclusions about the world.

And they’re doing all of this while their brain is changing, their bodies are changing, their friend groups are changing, and so much more. Because they and the world around them are changing, your role also needs to change.

In this phase, you are an Unconditional Pursuer and Coach. Do they know that you are devoted to them no matter what? The two questions they need answered by you, whether they verbalize it or not are:

• Who likes me?
• Who am I?

This is an opportunity to call out their attributes that makes them… them. Call out what they are good at and gifted in, often. Let them know you are on their team and that you love them—even if they groan while you do it.

They NEED YOU! But they don’t need the same you they did when they were 7.

In this phase, there is MEDIUM freedom given. As they get older, we want to continue to trust them with a little bit more, and continue the “post game review”. But we are also going to add in an element: The pre-game huddle.

The pre-game huddle prepares them for what they will be walking into.

In both, the huddle and the review, we can reinforce the benefit of learning, of focusing on Integrity and Decision-making, and remind them that in every situation, there is Hope.

Things start to really change in our role as parents in the elementary years. You are still the Air-Traffic Controller, but you are letting the plane call some shots. In this phase, we start thinking ahead, to teach them and set them up for success in 4th and 5th grades for 6th and 7th grades. 

One tool to do this well is what we call the post-game reviews. Every single day, our kids will fail at something, or let us down, or make wrong choices, or find themselves in an unwanted situation. Our job isn’t necessarily to protect them from these, but to guide them through. The post-game review is taken from the sport-world where teams meet after the games, maybe have a film-session on Monday rewatching the good and bad things that happened on the field.

The post-game review in our kids’ lives is the same thing. It’s taking time to celebrate the good that happened, and use the bad as teachable moments. We can start teaching them to focus on character and self-improvement, personal responsibility, and even how to handle difficult conversations.

If a teacher at school calls us out for not making wise choices, or a friend gives their honest opinion, we don’t want to push them away and reject what they have to say. A teacher calling our kids out for something may not be a bad thing, but typically as people, our go-to reactions are defensiveness and deflection. Maturity is realizing there is something to what he or she said. And as parents, we can use post-game reviews to guide them towards maturity.

So, in this phase, there is GROWING freedom. Maybe riding their bike around the neighborhood, or going to friends’ houses and learning how to handle interpersonal relationships. Maybe it looks like more access to screen-time.

Regardless of what it is, the Post-Game reviews are KEY! 

What they need in this phase is a safe place for them to explore feelings, outbursts, and the feeling of failure from failing to meet expectations 

My 4-year-old, Elliott, in shame, puts his hands on his face and hides himself when he realizes he doesn’t meet our expectations. Our 9-month-old, Luke, doesn’t. Elliott is realizing that there is this, unwanted feeling of shame from failing to meet the standards he has observed all these years; and the baby hasn’t experienced this yet.

In this phase of life—the preschool years, you give LOW freedom, again too much would be completely irresponsible. When he was 3, we caught our middle-child dragging his balance-bike up the stairs so that he could ride it down. That is a bit too much freedom.

Things start to really change in our role as parents in the elementary years. You are still the air-traffic controller, but you are letting the plane call some shots. In this phase, we start thinking ahead, to teach them and set them up for success in 4th and 5th grades for 6th and 7th grades. 

One tool to do this well is what we call the post-game reviews. Every single day, our kids will fail at something, or let us down, or make wrong choices, or find themselves in an unwanted situation. Our job isn’t necessarily to protect them from these, but to guide them through. The post-game review is taken from the sport-world where teams meet after the games, maybe have a film-session on Monday rewatching the good and bad things that happened on the field.

The post-game review in our kids’ lives is the same thing. It’s taking time to celebrate the good that happened, and use the bad as teachable moments. We can start teaching them to focus on character and self-improvement, personal responsibility, and even how to handle difficult conversations.

If a teacher at school calls us out for not making wise choices, or a friend gives their honest opinion, we don’t want to push them away and reject what they have to say. A teacher calling our kids out for something may not be a bad thing, but typically as people, our go-to reactions are defensiveness and deflection. Maturity is realizing there is something to what he or she said. And as parents, we can use post-game reviews to guide them towards maturity.

So, in this phase, there is GROWING freedom. Maybe riding their bike around the neighborhood, or going to friends’ houses and learning how to handle interpersonal relationships. Maybe it looks like more access to screen-time.

Regardless of what it is, the post-game reviews are KEY! 

In this phase, You are a protector and caretaker. We can think of ourselves in this phase as an air traffic controller—We are controlling the flights, the flight paths, the landing, taking off, everything. In this stage, you give no freedom, because that would be irresponsible, because babies are 100% dependent on us as caretakers. In this phase, babies need your presence and continual reassurance that you are there.

And then we get closer to the toddler years. *Fun Fact, toddlers go through the scientific method. Maybe you heard that and experienced a form of PTSD, but do you remember learning the scientific method back in middle school? It explained that first we observe the world, then we form hypotheses, then we test these hypotheses, then we collect data, then we analyze the data, and finally we form conclusions. Well it’s what our brains do at two different times.. the first of which is in the toddler years.

Maybe you have experienced the “terrible twos”… or as we have in our home, the “throat-punch-threes”. These are years where our toddlers are testing every boundary in existence. But they’re doing this, to some degree, against their will—It’s how their brain is wired. They have formed hypotheses from the observations they’ve made in those first few years of life. If I whine, then _____ happens. If I cry at night, then ____ happens. If I’m in a store and reach for something, then _______ happens.

But now they’re testing these hypotheses, and it looks a lot like teenage rebellion. Maybe you’ve heard the term “threenager”. It’’s a pretty common phenomenon. May be why you have a whiny, defiant, difficult three-year-old. They need reassurance, boundaries need to be held and reinforced, and there needs to be consistent parental figures who will lovingly and gently remind them that they will be there no matter what, the rules are there for a reason, and that they can not push you away.

Your kids need you. But they don’t need the same ‘you’ when they’re 10 that they did when they were 5. Or the same ‘you’ when they’re 16 that they did when they were 12.  

Your kid is going to grow up with or with out your permission. My wife and I want our little ones to stay little forever, but that’s not the case. And if we always see them as our little kids who always wanted cuddles when they got hurt, or who needed help walking into school, then we are actually doing them a disservice.

They are going to enter the real world. There will be a day where they will leave the protection and safety of being at home and around other like-minded people and enter into the world full of pressures, temptations, bad influences, and so many other things out of our control.

They are going to grow up. So, we can decide as they move from phase to phase—to either be an asset or a hindrance. When I say the word ‘phase’, I mean a timeframe in a kid’s life when we as parents can leverage distinct opportunities to influence their future. We will get into these in just a minute, but like I said a minute ago, there really is no middle-ground. If you can say that you aren’t being a hindrance, but definitely not an asset, then you’re being a hindrance.  

Now, what are these phases that I referenced a moment ago? For our purposes, there are 5 main phases: Overview of the roles through phases mixed with what kids need 

• Birth Through Toddler 
• The pre school years
• The elementary-age years
• The dreaded Middle School years
• And finally, the High School years

In each of these phases, our children are going through changes, development, and are experience felt-needs that are unique to where they are. Let’s take a deeper dive into these phases.

Over the years working with teenagers and their parents, there is one consistent thing I have heard—and it’s something along the lines of:

• “It’s like overnight, I had a different kid”
• “my son / daughter is hanging out with the wrong crowd and I’m not sure what to do”
• “they don’t seem to listen to me any more. Anything I do is a fight.”

The list goes on… but the sentiment is the same. When our kids are moving into and through the teenage years, it seems like our influence in their lives is diminishing. But that doesn’t necessarily have to be the case.

In this series, we will look at the reasons why our teenagers seem to be pulling away, and some tips and strategies for keeping our influence in their lives—even if it looks different than we thought it would.

Thanks for joining us for this journey—and remember, no matter what is going on at home, you are not doing as bad as you think you are.